Okay. First things first. I am putting down links of lyric-videos from YouTube here so that you can listen to the songs I am writing about.
Now as this is done I can finally get started….
Currently, I am sitting in front of my computer screen, I have just read the assignment. There! Three titles came to my mind faster then a lightning flashes. So I write them down because those songs really mean something to me. Actually, neither of them is one of my favourite songs. But yet I have a special bond with the melodies – or should I say with the lyrics of those songs?
The first time he broke up with me… I felt like I was crushed by a boulder.
The second time he broke up with me… I felt like the weight of his words suffocated me.
The third time he broke up with me… I felt like the world around me was going to crash down and burry me underneath it.
The fourth time. I felt like he sliced my heart open while I couldn’t do anything but feel the pain and watch.
The fourth time was the last time. Even though I can’t deny that I still feel some of the love I consider lost forever… Even though I somehow wish it was all just a bad dream… Even though my heart is wincing at the thought of leaving a precious peron behind I know I have to protect myself from that. If he tells me he was sorry I would want to believe him – but it is too late. It is too late to apologize. Nevermore – that is as real as that I am still somehow alive – could I bear to lose him again. Nevermore. And never could I or could he change the past so that all my hell wouldn’t have engulfed me. Time has passed by, things have happened and it is too late to change the course.
Yet, I can’t – and maybe don’t want to – stop remembering him. Him and the time we passed together. My fondest memory is the one that hurts the most: Our first kiss because I knew we were close in that moment that seemed like infinity and was yet too short. It isn’t the fact that the moment is over. It isn’t the fact that he broke up and hurt me so often. It is indeed the fact that we have really been close. If everything had been a lie it would have been more bearable. It would have been acceptable. But there has been something and that is why that paradise of my love turned into my own personal hell. I still feel it and I still hurt. I spend nights and days only thinking about what went wrong and about what could have been if certain things have been different. Yet I know I can’t change the past.
Moments like this still exist. They are in my memory and this one special moment, our first kiss keeps haunting me in my dreams and nightmares.
We looked around. This place was entirely peaceful and the beauty of the natural place made both of us smile. Without exchanging a word we agreed on coming back here again. That this would be our place to meet. Together we put our backpacks down and spread the blanket on the soft green grass. Then we laid down. Enjoying the sun, the breeze caressing our skin and the warmth that felt so wonderful. I held a strawberry in my mouth because it was a bit too big for me to swallow… and somehow – we did’t think about what we were doing – we came closer, closer,… until there was no space left between our lips. I loved how he was tasting, that I was tasting him. Time seemed to froze, not daring to move on. In the background the radio we brought played Sail Away from The Rasmus. A song we both liked a lot. Though the sadness of the lyrics weren’t really fitting our happiness in that moment. We considered that song to be our song. The kiss was special – so was the person I kissed – so is the memory.
Now, the song is reminding me of that happy memory. It hurts me deeply to be reminded and I feel sad every time I do because I know that it is over.
When we were still together, we used to softly sing along the song together, we used to cuddle as it felt like we were reliving the warm sensation of our first kiss. Whenever I heard the song back then, I smiled.
After we broke up, the first time I heard the song I broke down – overhelmed with all those moments, those feelings and his presence that I missed.
Right now, while I am writing this, I am listening to the song and tears are streaming down my face…